Grandma Wall

It's been a long, hard, empty year since my sweet Grandma passed away. I honestly haven't been able to put down the words on the computer or in a journal since she passed. Every time I would put pen to paper I just could not get the words out. I'm just still not over the shock of losing her. Without trying to seem like the worst granddaughter in the world, I honestly did not know losing her was going to be this hard. My world seems quieter, duller, & lacking. I have struggled over the last year trying to write this, sometimes only typing a sentence or two & then quickly admitting defeat. I apologize for the rambling but I truly just needed to finally get the words out.

I still can't believe she is gone. I just keep waiting for her to walk in with my Grandpa at work & instantly ask where Brynlie is. Then offering to take her off my hands any day we are too busy at work to have her there. She would light up whenever she saw her. But that was just who she was. She loves her kids, her grand kids & her great grand kids. In general she loved all children. She taught preschool for 32 years & it still bring a smile to my face every time someone tells me how much they loved Mrs. Wall's preschool. That preschool room is one of my fondest memories of my entire childhood. Within two minutes of getting to her house we were up playing in the preschool. Then when it was time to clean up she'd turn on the "preschool clean up song" (Heigh-Ho from Snow White) & she would help us clean up our mess.

When I was younger I thought it was funny to tease her. We would go to their house & I would try too sneak in without giving her a hug knowing she was going to chase me down till I gave her one. Spencer always teased her that she was shrinking when he started to tower over her.  She loved spending time with us whether it was taking us to the zoo, coming to Fish Lake for the deer hunt, having every one over for dinner, our Wall Family Christmas party, or just a visit for no reason. She had a way of making you feel like the most important person in the world when you were with her.

In high school when I was a sophomore I used my Grandma as a taxi service quite often. Looking back now I can not believe she agreed to drive me around so much & man I'm sure it was so annoying. But she was ALWAYS happy to do it. I can't even count how many Friday night football games she dropped me off & picked me up from. I'm sure she had much better thing to do with her time but she never made me feel like a bother. She was just sweet. Through her entire body that what was there. Sweetness, love, thoughtfulness & service.

She bravely battled ovarian & uterine cancer over 10 years ago & was able to spend many great years in remission. Which is what made her quick departure all the more shocking. She hadn't been feeling quite like herself for the last two years, & spent a lot of time going from doctor to doctor to figure it out. Aside from what we all suspected was un-diagnosed dementia most of us chalked it up to the affects of aging. You can imagine the shock we received when she was hospitalized on January 23, 2017 & we learned that her poor body was filled with hundreds of small tumors. None of us would have ever guessed that  her cancer that she had beaten over 10 years ago would be what took her.

In her last days on this earth I was able to serve her. My sweet mother went over to her house before work on multiple occasions to give her a sponge bath, brush her teeth, change her clothes, & lotion her up because we knew she would have visitors from loved ones. I would help my mom, then I would curl her hair & put on a little make up.

Driving to the mortuary I didn't know what to expect. I had never done hair or make up on a deceased loved one before. There were butterflies in my stomach & my heart was pounding as they led us into the room where they had prepped her. She was lying on a table in a beautiful room draped with white linens. We had been so worried about what she would look after being embalmed. When she passed she was 70 pounds & they did such an amazing job. They filled her up her thin face & made her look 20 years younger. When we saw how wonderful they made her look we both started crying. We helped dress her in her Temple clothes & then they left the room for us to get to work.

My mom was having a hard time. She touched her hands & they were so cold, instantly tears were steaming down her face. She tried to be helpful but I could see it was hitting her harder than she thought it would. Something in me just clicked. I had to carry her through this. I have to get this done.

My mom & I had colored her red hair a few weeks prior & it looked perfect. You never saw a gray hair on her head as long as she lived & we know she would haunt us if we let her have gray roots at her funeral. I carefully & precisely curled then pinned her hair knowing exactly where each hair was supposed to go. We had the mortuary use their base make up but I did her eye shadow, blush, eyebrows, & mascara. My mom delicately painted on the perfect shade of lipstick as I combed out & styled her hair. Last I painted her nails then stepped back & felt an enormous rush of relief. She looked absolutely perfect. I knew she was smiling down on us for the service we had administered on her & made her look they way she would want to be seem by all of those who loved her the most. I felt an enormous amount of pressure to make her look like herself & to have her look good enough for an open casket & I felt confident that I had done that.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be able to do that. I was absolutely terrified I wouldn't be able to do it or that I wouldn't do a good job & my Grandpa would opt for a closed casket. Even though it was so hard to do, it is now one of my most precious memories.

My final act of service to my Grandma was singing at her funeral. The song I chose was full of raw emotions, the very emotions I felt at the very moment singing it & as much as I didn't want to sing at her funeral I knew she wanted me too. She was one of my biggest cheerleaders & wanted to come to see me sing any chance she could. I could always pick out her shining red hair in the audience accompanied by this proud smile on her face. It still makes me giggle that she couldn't carry a tune to save her life but that never stopped her from singing. She did so many performances with her preschoolers for all the parents & there are still some Christmas songs that come on & all I can hear is her off tune voice singing along. It brings a smile to my face every time.

When I close my eyes I can just see it now.....I would ring the doorbell & listen to it sing. Waiting anxiously I could hear footsteps coming towards the door. Bright eyed, with her wide smile light up when she see me. Her red hair glowing in the sun she would hug me tightly & give me wet lipstick kiss to the cheek. She was excited, she was dramatic, she was loving......she was my Grandma Wall.