Sunday, December 25, 2011

When Christmas Hurts

Every Christmas I get caught up in the hustle and bustle we call the holidays. Searching high and low for the perfect Christmas gift for everyone on our Christmas list. Hope, love, & joy fill the air. I'm happy. Christmas eve is great & Christmas morning is better but then WHAM. It hits me like a ton of bricks. The four year anniversary of my best friends death, my hero, my grandpa:) 2:00 a.m. Marks the fourth year that he's been gone. I honestly still can't believe it real. I thought I'd wake up from this dream a long time ago. It's safe to say this was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. But I know that I can't escape it. It's hard to accept God's will when it's not your will. But just because he's gone from my life doesn't mean I'll stop living my life. I'll have my days especially tonight when it's all I can do not to be consumed in memory of him. I miss him so much & all I really want is for him to know how much I love him.Four years ago when he passed away I was writing a friend on his mission, elder tanner bowman. I can't tell you the reason why but he was one of the only people I opened up to about the death of my grandpa. He'll never truly know how much that worn out, four page ensign story has meant to me for the last for years. I read it every Christmas almost ten times. It brings tears to my eyes but it also gives me a strength that I otherwise would not have. Being reminded of the promise of the lord that God will always be with us makes this bitter-sweet Christmas night a little easier to handle. Here is the Christmas story elder bowman sent me:) it has meant the world to me.

When Christmas Hurts
It is Christmas again. The woodsy fragrance of evergreens fills the air. The sound of Christmas carols wafts through malls, grocery stores, and tree lots. Ordinary houses become luminous, glowing in the dark with tiny twinkling lights. We feel anticipation, hope, and joy as we perform acts of service and reflect on the life of our dear savior.
But Christmas can also evoke profound feelings of loss when memories of loved ones no longer present are somehow amplified by the season.
Many years ago as a young girl, I learned how to find joy at Christmas even after losing the most important people of my childhood--my parents. The lesson came during a bleak emotional winter of my life. It was delivered by a young and earnest seminary teacher who taught me about a young prophet’s struggle with suffering and in the process gave me the Savior’s answer to one of life’s most difficult questions. Why do good people suffer?
I was only 17. Life was full of promise. I had a strong group of friends in the ward I had attended all my life. I was one of the lucky ones who loved high school—I had already found my niche. I was a writer. I wrote for the school newspaper. I filled spiral notebooks with my views on the Vietnam War, the latest music and movies, and how I felt about my hair. I was part of a witty and wonderful debate group who challenged my intellect and kept me laughing. Scholarships, college, further training in an art I loved were attainable goals—so close I knew they would be reached.
And then tragedy struck.
My dearest friend, my father—a short, heavy man with a big round face, a broad smile, a kind word for everyone, and always a stylish hat—was killed suddenly in an unusual car accident. Norris William Smith had been teaching driver’s education on a country road in the farming area outside our city, Idaho Falls, Idaho. It was the student’s first time driving. She was only 14. She pulled out in front of an oncoming farm truck, her view eclipsed by a dip in the road. The truck broadsided the car with the worst impact on the passenger side. By the time the ambulance reached the hospital, my father—a vibrant, healthy, happy man—was dead. The loss was particularly profound for me because just eight years earlier my mother had died after a long and painful struggle with cancer.
Life as I had known it ended. For months after Daddy died I dragged myself zombielike through each day as if I were running through water. Accomplishing the most mundane task felt monumental. The joy and zest I had felt for life flatlined. My grades slid. My school attendance became erratic. Even the health I had enjoyed became fragile. I no longer cared about my writing, about debate, about life itself.
And then Christmas came. Christmas—it had been my favorite time of the year, and that of my parents also. My mother had clung to life to get through one more Christmas. The house had always been beautiful with the smell of a fresh evergreen we had cut ourselves in the foothills near our home. Mom had piled plates with divinity, the white, gooey, dissolve-in-our-mouth candy of Christmas. And the house had been festive with Mom’s homemade evergreen centerpieces—an artful touch of pine, candles, a few glass balls, and a spray of canned “snow.”
Even the year after my mother died, my father had carried on with amazing enthusiasm, considering the loss he had suffered. The tree went up. Excitedly, he and I raced together through the lightened, snow-filled streets of our little town buying Christmas presents. On Christmas morning at 3:00 a.m. when I woke up, he was so excited he leaped out of bed with a string of bells, ringing them madly and shouting, “Ho, ho, ho, Merrrrrrrry Christmas!” And there under the tree was a gift I had been longing for: a little set of wicker furniture just the right size for my dolls.
Now it was Christmas again, and the sound of the bells, the smell of evergreen, the sight and feel of the snow filed me with such a searing pain I did not know how or if I could survive. I felt utterly alone in the world. The Christmas spirit was gone for me, buried with those two dear people so profoundly absent from my life. One day, overcome by despair, I escaped the raucous noise of my high school during lunch hour and trudged across the street to the seminary building. No classes were in session, and the building was dark and quiet, offering me exactly what I wanted: solitude. I sat at my desk in the dark room and wept openly. I didn’t want to be alive. Why couldn’t I have gone with my parents? How was I ever going to get through Christmas—or life—without them?
What I didn’t know is that my seminary teacher, David Beagley, stood quietly at the back of the room watching. He was young and enthusiastic. Like my father, he had a broad smile and was able to make us laugh with his corny jokes. After a few minutes he quietly approached my desk. Sitting down next to me, he asked in barley a whisper what the matter was, though I’m sure he already knew. He had led my entire seminary class to my father’s funeral. But his question gave me the chance I needed to pour my heart out to someone, to share my sorrow.
After I sobbed it out, he said he would like to tell me a story. They story went like this.
It was the winter of 1839. The prophet Joseph Smith had been illegally imprisoned once again, this time in Liberty Jail, a dark dungeon of sorts in Clay County, Missouri. The Prophet had been in jail since November. The basement room where he and other Church leaders were being held was so small he could not stand upright. He had suffered from cold, filthy conditions, smoke inhalation, loneliness, and unwholesome food. The depth of his suffering came when he learned about the terrible condition of the Church members who were being driven from the state.
In utter despair he had gone to the lord with one of the most poignant pleas in all of scripture:
“O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? “How long shall they hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? “Yea, O Lord how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?” (D&C 121:1-3)
God heard Joseph’s cry, and that prison was transformed into a holy place when a beautiful, gentle, compassionate response came to the Prophet: “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high” (D&C 121:7-8)
Then came the answer to one of mankind’s most difficult questions; Why does God allow people to suffer? “All these things shall giveth thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? (D&C 122:7-8) And finally, “God shall be with you forever and ever” (verse 9) Brother Beagley closed the scriptures. The room was utterly silent. My crying had stopped. The empty space in my heart was filled to overflowing with the sweet, warm feeling of the Comforter, and I felt comforted. I felt stilled. A lifting had occurred. My burden was being borne by Another.
From the Prophet’s horrible experience I learned we are never alone during our suffering. I saw that the Lord is aware of us and is close by. Most important, I learned that there is a purpose to our pain, though sometimes it may ne veiled for a time. I learned that even though our trials will not be taken away, Heavenly Father will visit us with his spirit to comfort us and help us endure our suffering until our wounds are healed.
When I walked out of the seminary building that December day, the facts remained the same. I was without my dear parents. But my heart had somehow changed. For the first time since my father’s funeral I was aware of a strength I had never felt before. I knew there were reasons for my loss that I couldn’t yet understand. But I knew I could go on.
My Christmas, perhaps my very life, was saved in that seminary room 30 years ago. As I write, I am looking at a picture of a beautiful family that has grown around me—my precious husband, Brian; our six daughters; their husbands; our grandchildren. I am not longer alone, and death is not my companion. I am surrounded by life.
I still love Christmas. Every year my husband and I and our six daughters cut our own tree. The bells my father rang so many years ago are not silent—my husband has taken over the tradition of ringing them and shouting “Merry Christmas!” Each year I place a tiny wicker furniture set out under the tree. Now it is surrounded by a living room full of wicker—my furniture of choice. And like my mother, I have learned to make divinity.
And I have come to know that each Christmas there will likely be an afternoon, and evening, or a quiet morning when, unexpectedly and without notice, grief will hit again. All these years later I still miss their laughter, their voices, their presence. But I no longer fight it. When it comes I have a good cry, I look at their pictures, and I get out my Doctrine and Covenants and read Joseph’s humble, sorrowful prayer and the Lord’s compassionate, triumphant answer. And once again I find the strength to go on with joy.





Tuesday, November 8, 2011

blast from the past

I was at work when i stumbled along these jems:] Old pictures of our family that were used in brennans wedding video. Its so crazy to see how much we have grown up. I hope you enjoy & poke fun at the horrible outfits we are in!!

hahah the swearter+mullet+the bear=golden picture.


One of my favorite pictures of me & brennan.
I have always looked up to him
(and not just because he's taller than me)

AWFUL OUTFITS how could you mom.

Brennan loved to get all his toys out of his toy box
and then sit in it. Ausin has this in his room right now.

My love for Dr. Pepper started at a young age.


Sea world!!!


This is my FAVORITE picture of brennan when he was little.
Just look at that freaking mullet haha.


ahhh little spencer. Look at his colorful outfit.

I can't tell you how many times i wore that witch costume
 year after year. I loved it haha

Brennan's baptism. That handsome man in the red tie,
thats my grandpa shepherd. He sure was handsome.
Look at my bow & my mothers long hair

Spencer used to wear this kiss mask year round.
We have video's of his dancing in the front room
playing guitar on a wooden stick with this mask on.







Monday, October 24, 2011

friendship

Good friends are hard to find. It's a fact of life
and it always will be.


The fact of the matter is being a good friend to keep a good friend. Yes, sometimes friends lie to protect your feelings but the ones that truly want whats best for you will tell you the truth no matter if it will hurt your feelings or not. Someone who understands you. Someone who you can argue with and be fine in a few minutes. Like back in kindergarten when your best friend stole your favorite barbie doll and you were back to being best friends because you have a five second rebound time and your back to playing together like nothing ever happened.


friend·ship
noun
1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
 friend
noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

But when you find someone who has always got your back. Someone you can tell your secrects to. Someone who would do anything for you. Someone who wouldn't lie to you. Someone who would back you up. That's when you truly find a real friend. I've had my fair share of fake friends in my life but i've learned to just let them go. Its not worth it too keep their negative attitude around. It makes me so happy to know that i have a handfull of good friends that i know for a fact that i will be friends with them for the remainder of my life. They know who they are.:] My friends mean the world to me. They have made me who i am and helped me with understanding who i am as a person. The friends that you could go a month without seeing or talking to them and it's like you were hanging out yesterday. You just dont even skip a beat.  These are the friendships worth having.

I love my friends they really do mean the world to me. I'd do anything for them. It's true that friendship isn't about who you've know the longest. It's about who came into your life and never left your side. Im grateful for the friendships i have. I am so lucky. I will continue to make memories that i will never forget. I will always have shoulders to cry on. I will always have laughter. Im blessed with the most incredible friends in the world. I know the value of a good friend. Go out and find the good friends, break up with the selfish ones and find out what im talking about.:]  

" Even though we change & we're all finding
our own place in the world, we all know that
when the tears fall or the smile spreads across
 our face, We'll come to each other because no
matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing
will ever change so much to the point where
we're not still friends."


Sunday, July 31, 2011

good life.

I was sitting here staring at the ceiling when it hit me.
                                       I have an amazing life.
I have been blessed with the most amazing group of friends & a close knit family.

Im happy.
Im protected.
Im loved.
 Im cared for.
Im appreciated.
Im truly so blessed.


Life happens.
Embrace it.




Life is to short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't. Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it.

I've learned that you make your happiness. No matter what life throws at you the ability to bounce back from disater is a skill i have yet to master but im working on it. You can make today, tomorrow, & the rest of your life great if you want to. It's something you have to work out it doesn't come easy but its worth. I love my life & can't wait to continue living it. Appreciating each moment, each friendship, each day. Every life has a story & every story has an ending. You've been given the beginning of your story & now it's up to you to determine what goes on in the middle, & how your story will end. I can't pin point an exact reason why im so content & happy with life right now but i hope the feeling lingers & returns back to me often. So far life has potential to be a good one.

What there is to complain about? When you're happy like a fool  let it take you over. When everything is out, you gotta take it in. Oh this has gotta be the good life. This has gotta be the good life. This could really be a good life, good life. Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight. Like this city is on fire tonight.
 This could really be a good life A good, good life.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

PROUD.

I pledge Allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.



Every time i see a flag ceremony being done by any branch of our armed forces it just brings me to tears and such an overwhelming feeling of pride comes over me. That simple red, white, and blue flag means so much to me. I'm so proud to be apart of this great country and have the freedoms that i have today. I am so grateful to those over seas and those on own soil fighting for our freedom. I know that freedom doesn't come free but I know its worth the fight & I'm so grateful for those willing to lay down their lives to protect it. I know a few people who are serving and who have served in the armed forces and I'll admit because of a certain friend i stand a little taller, and clap a little harder for Marines:] But I'm so grateful for everyone in the armed forces. The sacrifices that you are making will never be forgotten. I can't even begin to understand what it must feel to leave your family and never know if you will ever see them again. If you were in a room of people and you asked if anyone knew someone who is or had been in the armed forces most everyone would raise their hand. We have all been affected by loved ones being in the armed forces. What we need to do here at home is stand up and support our troops. Even if we don't support the war you can still support that they're fighting not only for our freedoms but for the freedoms of others. I don't care if you support the war or not. The reason you even have the option of voicing your opinion is because of those selfless troops fighting for your rights. The least you could do is show them the respect they deserve. Keep a special prayer in your heart that they will return home to their loved ones. I can't say enough how thankful i am. I will stand up and support you no matter what. Because of you brave troops I'm proud to be an American.




 American Solider


I'm just trying to be a father
Raise a daughter and a son
Be a lover to their mother
Everything to everyone
Up and at 'em, bright and early
I'm all business in my suit
Yeah, I'm dressed up for success
From my head down to my boots


I don't do it for the money
There's bills that I can't pay
I don't do it for the glory
I just do it anyway

Providing for our future's my responsibility
Yeah I'm real good under pressure
Being all that I can be
 And I can't call in sick on Mondays

When the weekends been too strong
I just work straight through the holidays
And sometimes all night long
You can bet that I stand ready when the
wolf growls at the door


Hey, I'm solid, hey I'm steady, hey, I'm true
down to the core And I will always do my
duty no matter what the price I've counted
up the cost, I know the sacrifice
Oh, and I don't want to die for you
But if dyin's asked of me


I'll bear that cross with honor
'Cause freedom don't come free
I'm an American soldier, an American
Beside my brothers and my sisters I
will proudly take a stand
When Liberty's in jeopardy,


I will always do what's right
I'm out here on the front line
Sleep in peace tonight
American soldier, I'm an American

 soldier Yeah, an American soldier,
an American                                       



Beside my brothers and my sisters
 I will proudly take a stand
When Liberty's in jeopardy I will always

do what's right
I'm out here on the front line
So Sleep in peace tonight


American soldier, I'm an American
An American, an  American soldier


 

God Bless the troops may you return home safely to your families:] Thank you for all that you do! 
 


Friday, July 1, 2011

addicted.

hi my name is brittney and I'm a wedding addict. hi brittney. welcome to weddings anonymous.
I have come to terms with my weddings addiction. I love everything about them.


i love the engagement story.
I love the rings.
I love the invitations.
I love the promises that are made.
I love how happy they are.
I love the countless hours of planning that went into this one day.
I love the dresses:].
I love the celebration of love.
I love the pictures.
I love the support that is shown from friends and family.
I love the joining of two families.
I love being apart of one of the happiest moments in someones life.
I love the anticipation of the night being over so they can begin their life together.
the beginning of happily ever after.


Its like i get a high from the feeling that surrounds weddings. I'm addicted to it. The allure that the happiness has on me is captivating. I love the thought of what if these two people had never met? How different would their lives have been. Is it just a coincidence or was it fate? But that fact was they did meet whether by coincidence or fate they were brought together & now their lives are intertwined. I've never really believed in soul mates i feel that someone could be happy with a number of people but i do believe that god places people in our lives for a reason & i do believe everything happens for a reason. So while I'm not living the married life i will live vicariously through all of you at your weddings. I find myself facebook stalking all you married people for your weddings pictures. So keep the weddings coming and let your photos be posted as soon as your get home from your honeymoon!!:] At least i still have say yes to the dress & David tuterra to keep the wedding bliss high strong in my head.



"Love is composed of a single soul
 inhabiting two bodies."
Aristotle




one day i'll have my happily ever after too:]

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

If heaven wasn't so far away.....grandpa shepherd:]

Dear Grandpa,

I've written this letter over & over a million different ways in my head. How do you possibly put in words how much you miss your best friend? If i put it simple and sweet i miss you. I never thought it'd get easier visiting grandma at home. Every time i sit in the front room i see it..... The last time i saw you, laying in that hospital bed. You were conscious but i was still wondering if you knew who i was standing by your side cautiously holding your hand, holding back the sea of tears forming in my eyes almost broke my heart in two. I always told you i loved you & i know the same goes for you. I just wished i could have had one more time to tell you that i loved you & hear you say it back. I'm sorry i didn't visit very often in the hospital. I honestly wasn't strong enough to see you so weak. I was so scared that the pictures of you laying motionless in that bed would scar my memory of you forever but over time those pictures have faded. I thought you were superman. Nothing could bring you down. I was foolish enough to think you'd last forever till i turned old and gray. I've asked God so many times why he took you away from me but accepting gods will is the hardest part. He must have something huge going on in heaven to have to call you back to help.

 
You are my hero. You are the most gentle, kind hearted man I've ever known. You would literally give someone the shirt off your back if they asked you for it. If there is one thing that I've learned from knowing you is integrity. You never spoke badly about anyone, instead you always gave a helping hand. Sometimes i wish i had been born sooner so that you could have been here in my life longer than 17 years. I missed you at my graduation & i will miss you at my wedding. I know in spirit you will be there but it doest mean i wont miss seeing you. I know your great grandchildren are up there with you right now. Your teaching them lessons they're going to need to know when its their time to be born down here:] I cant wait to share with them the memories i had with you. I have your orange hunting jacket hanging up in my room on Brennan's old weight machine. Your hanky is tucked half way inside one of the side pockets. It smells like you because mom bought your old spice cologne to spray on them so we will always remember how good you always smelt. For the first year that you had passed i had to sleep with your hanky under my pillow or up by my face and I'd just lay there and smell your Cologne. It was my minds way of pretending that you were laying right next to me.
There's so many things i wished i would have done, so many things i wanted to ask.
Wished i would have taken more pictures of us together & went on more rides with you in your truck. I miss your laugh and you coming up behind me and tickling my neck while making that sound. Every grandchild of yours remembers that exact sound you made when you did that.:] I miss the ear to ear smile you'd get when you asked me to roll my eyes at you! I apologize for not coming to visit your grave lately. Life had been overwhelming to say the least but i know there is no excuse. It's just bitter sweet seeing that stone with your name on it. Realization that you really are gone.

I went and visited you today. Your grave looked beautiful. You had so many people come and bring you flowers:] Your such a loved man do you know that?
I hung out with grandma for like three hours after too. I
watched a Memorial Day Veterans Concert with her & just sat around chatting. I feel you in that house but not that way i did before. Before it made me sad but now its inviting. Seeing your truck parked in the driveway gets me excited and i catch myself waiting for you to walk in that door. I love all the reminders of you in that house. Sometimes life is so busy you forget about it but at your house you can't not forget about it. But that's a good thing. I love visiting Grandma. Every time I'm over there i feel like a get another piece of you to take home from all the stories she tells me. I can't get enough of them. I think i might get my short fused temper from you. The only thing that could make them even better was hearing your side of the stories:]


I love & miss you so much grandpa. But it's gotten easier to accept that your still gone. Knowing that i will see you again puts the silver lining on a bad day. I love you so much & i will never forget all the lessons you've taught me or the memories that we have made. Most of the family went to fish lake a few weeks ago, it was so fun. I loved it:] Greg took everyone fishing on his boat. Austin caught his first fish but of course you didn't help me out with my fishing luck haha. Didn't catch a thing. My dad didn't worm my hook so i no fishies for me. But all together for the two days we had twenty nine fish to fry grandpa shepherd style:] Funny thing is we always cook it the same as you but its NEVER the same. There's just something that isn't the same. Yours always tasted better:] It was nice being there though. I always feel closer to you when im there. Grandma came up with roxy and we loved having her there!! I got to know little gregs kids a little better that i ever have. They are adorable and so accident prone! I'd never really met brylee but oh my gosh she's adorable. Me and her were best friends the whole trip. You sure have had a hand in making such and awesome, close knit family. We are very blessed to have such and loving family who loves to do stuff together. Something about those shepherds:] Thank you for the way you taught your children especially my mom. She's teaching us the same lessons she learned from you. So blessed to be apart of that family. I could go on forever its taken me weeks to write this. I just can't ever get it right. But i love you so much i miss you more and more everyday. I know your with me always watching over me. Your the greatest man i've ever know and i can't wait until i see you again. 

love your granddaughter,
 brittney jo wall:]




I'll be seeing you in all of
the familiar places
I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.



May I go now?
Do you think the time is right?
May I say goodbye to pain filled days
and endless lonely nights?
I lived my life and done my best,
an example I've tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond the light
and set my spirit free?

I didn't want to go at first,
I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now
to that warm and loving light.

I want to go, I really do,
it's difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can
to live just one more day.

To give you time to care for me
and share your love and fears.
I know you're sad and are afraid,
because I see your tears.

I'll not be far, I promise that,
and I hope you'll always know.
That my spirit will be close to you
Where ever you may go.

Thank you so for loving me
and know that i love you too
That's why it's hard to say goodbye
and end this life with you.

So hold me now just one more time
and let me hear you say,
"Because you care so much for me,
you'll let me go today
.
<3

until we meet again. I love you grandpa shepherd. watch over me:]