Tuesday, June 7, 2011

If heaven wasn't so far away.....grandpa shepherd:]

Dear Grandpa,

I've written this letter over & over a million different ways in my head. How do you possibly put in words how much you miss your best friend? If i put it simple and sweet i miss you. I never thought it'd get easier visiting grandma at home. Every time i sit in the front room i see it..... The last time i saw you, laying in that hospital bed. You were conscious but i was still wondering if you knew who i was standing by your side cautiously holding your hand, holding back the sea of tears forming in my eyes almost broke my heart in two. I always told you i loved you & i know the same goes for you. I just wished i could have had one more time to tell you that i loved you & hear you say it back. I'm sorry i didn't visit very often in the hospital. I honestly wasn't strong enough to see you so weak. I was so scared that the pictures of you laying motionless in that bed would scar my memory of you forever but over time those pictures have faded. I thought you were superman. Nothing could bring you down. I was foolish enough to think you'd last forever till i turned old and gray. I've asked God so many times why he took you away from me but accepting gods will is the hardest part. He must have something huge going on in heaven to have to call you back to help.

You are my hero. You are the most gentle, kind hearted man I've ever known. You would literally give someone the shirt off your back if they asked you for it. If there is one thing that I've learned from knowing you is integrity. You never spoke badly about anyone, instead you always gave a helping hand. Sometimes i wish i had been born sooner so that you could have been here in my life longer than 17 years. I missed you at my graduation & i will miss you at my wedding. I know in spirit you will be there but it doest mean i wont miss seeing you. I know your great grandchildren are up there with you right now. Your teaching them lessons they're going to need to know when its their time to be born down here:] I cant wait to share with them the memories i had with you. I have your orange hunting jacket hanging up in my room on Brennan's old weight machine. Your hanky is tucked half way inside one of the side pockets. It smells like you because mom bought your old spice cologne to spray on them so we will always remember how good you always smelt. For the first year that you had passed i had to sleep with your hanky under my pillow or up by my face and I'd just lay there and smell your Cologne. It was my minds way of pretending that you were laying right next to me.
There's so many things i wished i would have done, so many things i wanted to ask.
Wished i would have taken more pictures of us together & went on more rides with you in your truck. I miss your laugh and you coming up behind me and tickling my neck while making that sound. Every grandchild of yours remembers that exact sound you made when you did that.:] I miss the ear to ear smile you'd get when you asked me to roll my eyes at you! I apologize for not coming to visit your grave lately. Life had been overwhelming to say the least but i know there is no excuse. It's just bitter sweet seeing that stone with your name on it. Realization that you really are gone.

I went and visited you today. Your grave looked beautiful. You had so many people come and bring you flowers:] Your such a loved man do you know that?
I hung out with grandma for like three hours after too. I
watched a Memorial Day Veterans Concert with her & just sat around chatting. I feel you in that house but not that way i did before. Before it made me sad but now its inviting. Seeing your truck parked in the driveway gets me excited and i catch myself waiting for you to walk in that door. I love all the reminders of you in that house. Sometimes life is so busy you forget about it but at your house you can't not forget about it. But that's a good thing. I love visiting Grandma. Every time I'm over there i feel like a get another piece of you to take home from all the stories she tells me. I can't get enough of them. I think i might get my short fused temper from you. The only thing that could make them even better was hearing your side of the stories:]

I love & miss you so much grandpa. But it's gotten easier to accept that your still gone. Knowing that i will see you again puts the silver lining on a bad day. I love you so much & i will never forget all the lessons you've taught me or the memories that we have made. Most of the family went to fish lake a few weeks ago, it was so fun. I loved it:] Greg took everyone fishing on his boat. Austin caught his first fish but of course you didn't help me out with my fishing luck haha. Didn't catch a thing. My dad didn't worm my hook so i no fishies for me. But all together for the two days we had twenty nine fish to fry grandpa shepherd style:] Funny thing is we always cook it the same as you but its NEVER the same. There's just something that isn't the same. Yours always tasted better:] It was nice being there though. I always feel closer to you when im there. Grandma came up with roxy and we loved having her there!! I got to know little gregs kids a little better that i ever have. They are adorable and so accident prone! I'd never really met brylee but oh my gosh she's adorable. Me and her were best friends the whole trip. You sure have had a hand in making such and awesome, close knit family. We are very blessed to have such and loving family who loves to do stuff together. Something about those shepherds:] Thank you for the way you taught your children especially my mom. She's teaching us the same lessons she learned from you. So blessed to be apart of that family. I could go on forever its taken me weeks to write this. I just can't ever get it right. But i love you so much i miss you more and more everyday. I know your with me always watching over me. Your the greatest man i've ever know and i can't wait until i see you again. 

love your granddaughter,
 brittney jo wall:]

I'll be seeing you in all of
the familiar places
I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

May I go now?
Do you think the time is right?
May I say goodbye to pain filled days
and endless lonely nights?
I lived my life and done my best,
an example I've tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond the light
and set my spirit free?

I didn't want to go at first,
I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now
to that warm and loving light.

I want to go, I really do,
it's difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can
to live just one more day.

To give you time to care for me
and share your love and fears.
I know you're sad and are afraid,
because I see your tears.

I'll not be far, I promise that,
and I hope you'll always know.
That my spirit will be close to you
Where ever you may go.

Thank you so for loving me
and know that i love you too
That's why it's hard to say goodbye
and end this life with you.

So hold me now just one more time
and let me hear you say,
"Because you care so much for me,
you'll let me go today

until we meet again. I love you grandpa shepherd. watch over me:]

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