Saturday, October 13, 2012

the darkness that takes over, & the light that saves us

I sit here wondering where i go from here. I have sat here & put on such a brave face in the midst of a horrible, horrible situation that i am afraid to face. But with joy comes pain, where there is happiness there is sadness. Good things happen to good people & bad things happen to good people. I was laying on the couch watching one of my favorite tv shows & it just registered to me life isn't fair. It never has been, & it never will be. Things will happen that we can't control & we are told that all our lives but they really never told us how we are supposed to handle these things. Do we hide? Run away? Cry? Laugh? Get drunk? Try & just forget? Move on with your life? The harsh reality of life is they don't tell you how you are supposed to deal with situations in life. There are only so many self help books out there (not that I've read any. Ask anyone i don't hardly read at all let alone self help books) but sometimes i feel like I'm a self help book to everyone around me. How is it that we are so quick to try & fix everyone else around us but are so slow to fix our own emptiness in our life. I'm really bad at asking for help when i need it. I feel that if i ask for help it makes me weak. I always try to be strong for everyone else, in that way i am so guarded. To see me crying or in a vulnerable circumstance is very rare. I don't know how i became so guarded but then i remember i was brought up to be strong. But does that mean I'm a failure when I'm not always strong??? No, it only means I'm human. I've dealt with a lot of loss in my life but the loss of my best friend Sean I've felt so empty but no one but my husband would really know about that. It even takes me a while to break down in front of him & tell him how i am feeling about everything. This is when i miss Sean's sweet uplifting words of advice. But who am i to be grieving when i know his family & Paige's life have been ripped from them? Lately i have thought about what i would do if i ever lost my sweet husband Chance. Life is all about learning, we never know why certain things happen in our lives but slowly i think how we handle things start to define us. I can't say how everyone handles things because i am almost certain i am not a role model of how to handle difficult situations in life. The truth is life is beautiful, hard, full of joy, filled with sadness, trials, & hard times but that is life. I believe everything happens for a reason. It doesn't mean it makes life easier or makes it easier to accept. Life is hard but it's so wonderful. People get lost when we think that happiness is a destination, but happiness is a mood not a destination it comes & goes. But we all struggle sometimes. So it's okay to be happy or sad, devastated, over joyed, broken, empty, & loved. You just need to breathe & know that eventually everything will be alright. I will be happy & i will be sad. I will smile & i will cry. But someday i will be okay but not because i am concurring everything by myself.......but for those who are around me who help me even when i don't ask or when they have no idea they are helping. It's okay to be bitter about life sometimes but don't let it define you. You are better than that. I am better than that. I am not perfect & neither are you. I am lucky enough to have been blessed with some amazing people in my life & they will never know how truly grateful i am for each & everyone of them. Especially my sweet husband who takes more crap from me than he deserves:] I can't speak for anyone else but i have an amazing life. That sometimes gets clouded but i always know i am blessed. No matter what hard times i am going through. So right now i will laugh & i will cry. I am going to smile & i will break. But i will be okay even when i need to ask for help:] That's something i need to work on. I know i feel so empty & broken right now but i will eventually not feel that way. But for tonight right now i am going to keep watching the tv & anxiously await my sweet husbands return from work & a hug that makes everything better. Just remember happiness is not a destination its a mood.

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