the darkness that takes over, & the light that saves us

I sit here wondering where i go from here. I have sat here & put on such a brave face in the midst of a horrible, horrible situation that i am afraid to face. But with joy comes pain, where there is happiness there is sadness. Good things happen to good people & bad things happen to good people. I was laying on the couch watching one of my favorite tv shows & it just registered to me life isn't fair. It never has been, & it never will be. Things will happen that we can't control & we are told that all our lives but they really never told us how we are supposed to handle these things. Do we hide? Run away? Cry? Laugh? Get drunk? Try & just forget? Move on with your life? The harsh reality of life is they don't tell you how you are supposed to deal with situations in life. There are only so many self help books out there (not that I've read any. Ask anyone i don't hardly read at all let alone self help books) but sometimes i feel like I'm a self help book to everyone around me. How is it that we are so quick to try & fix everyone else around us but are so slow to fix our own emptiness in our life. I'm really bad at asking for help when i need it. I feel that if i ask for help it makes me weak. I always try to be strong for everyone else, in that way i am so guarded. To see me crying or in a vulnerable circumstance is very rare. I don't know how i became so guarded but then i remember i was brought up to be strong. But does that mean I'm a failure when I'm not always strong??? No, it only means I'm human. I've dealt with a lot of loss in my life but the loss of my best friend Sean I've felt so empty but no one but my husband would really know about that. It even takes me a while to break down in front of him & tell him how i am feeling about everything. This is when i miss Sean's sweet uplifting words of advice. But who am i to be grieving when i know his family & Paige's life have been ripped from them? Lately i have thought about what i would do if i ever lost my sweet husband Chance. Life is all about learning, we never know why certain things happen in our lives but slowly i think how we handle things start to define us. I can't say how everyone handles things because i am almost certain i am not a role model of how to handle difficult situations in life. The truth is life is beautiful, hard, full of joy, filled with sadness, trials, & hard times but that is life. I believe everything happens for a reason. It doesn't mean it makes life easier or makes it easier to accept. Life is hard but it's so wonderful. People get lost when we think that happiness is a destination, but happiness is a mood not a destination it comes & goes. But we all struggle sometimes. So it's okay to be happy or sad, devastated, over joyed, broken, empty, & loved. You just need to breathe & know that eventually everything will be alright. I will be happy & i will be sad. I will smile & i will cry. But someday i will be okay but not because i am concurring everything by myself.......but for those who are around me who help me even when i don't ask or when they have no idea they are helping. It's okay to be bitter about life sometimes but don't let it define you. You are better than that. I am better than that. I am not perfect & neither are you. I am lucky enough to have been blessed with some amazing people in my life & they will never know how truly grateful i am for each & everyone of them. Especially my sweet husband who takes more crap from me than he deserves:] I can't speak for anyone else but i have an amazing life. That sometimes gets clouded but i always know i am blessed. No matter what hard times i am going through. So right now i will laugh & i will cry. I am going to smile & i will break. But i will be okay even when i need to ask for help:] That's something i need to work on. I know i feel so empty & broken right now but i will eventually not feel that way. But for tonight right now i am going to keep watching the tv & anxiously await my sweet husbands return from work & a hug that makes everything better. Just remember happiness is not a destination its a mood.

Sean Michael Halladay

Tuesday was undoubtedly the most heart breaking day in my life. I feel like right now i am not even capable of comprehending what just happened this morning. I lay here anxiously awaiting his unannounced visit at Paige's house like he always did while we were sitting here in her room. I can't decide if it has fully hit me yet it seems to come in waves but in that tender moment when I'm reminded he is gone i can't help to shed a few tears. The funeral was beautiful, so much was shared. I never really knew his family before this but after we have gone through this i feel like i have known them forever. I grew such a great love for his mom, step dad, sisters, & brother. They are so welcoming & sweet for the past few days i have felt right at home with them. The first day i met his mom i was over at Paige's house because she had called me that morning & told me the news so i quickly rushed over & stayed by her side all day. Heather & Scott stopped by & Paige introduced me. Heather with a tear in her eye & a smile hugged me like she knew who i was & said "I know exactly who you are, Sean talked about you all the time." This was such a sweet tender moment & i surely won't soon forget it. Aside from the horrible reason we came together i feel truly blessed to have spent the time i have with them & really grown to love them so quickly.

Paige took me took me to the tree where you crashed & i couldn't help but think of every why question in my head. Not knowing exactly what happened spikes my curiosity & i can't help but wonder what happened. I know everything happens for a reason but it doesn't make it easier to accept. But knowing i will see you again is such a huge comfort to me. I don't know how i would be able to handle this without the knowledge that i do know. It won't stop my tears but it will defiantly bring a smile to my face. Just like Sean always could:]

I had so many great memories with Sean. How could i not? He was one of my best friends & he was like a glowing ball of happiness. You could not hold a straight face when he was around. He lit up a room with out even trying with those big brown eyes, & that infectious smile. I became really good friends with him in tenth grade when he started dating my best friend Paige Seat. We were instantly best friends & that bond will never be broken. When Paige was pregnant with baby b Sean was there every step of the way but biologically Brynlie wasn't his daughter. But to me Sean will always be Brynlie's daddy. He went to every doctors appointment, was there in the hospital when she was born, he took care of the dad role & he was absolutely amazing at it. I remember him being so excited to take Paige to prom that year before bryn was born. I was at school & it was "T-Bone Tuesday" which was something Brady, Sean, & I would do all the time. I honestly don't hardly recall a time when Paige came with. Some times a random friend would come but i always wondered why i was allowed to go:] We got back to school & I'm walking to my fourth period class & low & behold Brady & Sean pull up next to me & tell me they need my help to go pick out their tuxes for prom. So me being the honor student that i was said no. HAHA that's a lie. I would take any excuse to leave school. So i hoped in the car & off we went to go get their prom attire. That memory for some reason stands out in my mind. I don't know why but it is one of my fondest memories of him.

I remember every time i would go eat a Joe bandidos & I was never sat in his area but he ALWAYS would come fill up my drink if he was there. always, always. It's the little things like that, that truly meant the most to me. Now everyone who knows him enough knows how much he loved music. Techno/dubstep included. So obviously raves were one of his favorite things to go to! Me & Paige were always on board because we also shared the same interest in them as he did! I can't even name all the ones we have been to but my absolute favorite one was a almost four years ago to one called Get Lucky. Only him, Paige, & I went together. But honestly that was all we needed. Anyways we were driving up to Salt Lake in Sean's car & they were doing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. Holding hand, laughing, giving each other a kiss on the cheek & i just busted out in tears. My now husband at the time was on his mission in Michigan & hadn't been gone more than maybe 3 weeks & i was heart broken. Seeing them together made me miss him so much. To cheer me up Sean played on repeat my favorite benny bennassi song for literally 20 minutes over & over until he could get me smiling & dancing in the back of the car. That night to date was the funnest time I've ever had. Just dancing with each other listening to the music being with the only two people that could make me that happy in that moment in time. Nothing has ever topped that. We never needed anyone else around when it was just us & i loved that so much. He would sit & cuddle with me when i was sad he always knew how to make me laugh. He has helped me with so many things that i don't think i ever truly expressed how much it meant to me. He always thought the best of everyone, no matter you story. He believed full hearted in people & their dreams. He was seriously unlike anyone i had ever been friends with. I opened up to him about things i didn't dare tell anyone else for fear of being judged. I knew he would never act that way towards me. Even when i was at the lowest points in my life he knew how to lift me back up. He always believed in me & that never wavered.

When i got home from the funeral i was just messing on facebook & found this.

It just goes to show how truly appreciative he was of the little things. Everything that seems like little tiny things that most of us would over look he took into his heart. What was so special about our relationship was it didn't end just because him & Paige did. Maybe it was because they never really ended on a bad note things would just get complicated. But he always wanted to stay friends. Whether it was a text or a fb comment or a ride to talk & get a drink he always wanted to keep in touch. Then when they would get back together it was like BAM connected at the hip all three of us. We seriously had the best times together just sitting in Paige's room talking.

 

He was the absolute sweetest person i have ever met. There is absolutely no one like him. I've never seen someone who could just make friends with an absolute stranger like he could. He was constantly, without fail so good at reading people & he always knew what they needed. Through all his kind acts & words he never expected it back. He was truly out to do good no matter what was going on in his life, no matter what hard times he was going through. Sean Michael Halladay is the sweetest, most amazing person i have ever come in contact with. & i can't wait till the day when i will get to see him again. See that sweet smile:] Sean you will always hold a special place in my heart. So only to be able to share memories about him would & not say he was one of the most influential people I've ever met would be untrue. The things he wanted to do, the dreams he had. He wanted to open up a home to help troubled youth because at a young age he was dealt a hard life. All he seriously wanted from his life was to help everyone some how big or small he wanted to help each & every person he met to either smile or just have a bit of a better day. He just wanted to help. Anyone. Everyone. He just wanted to help.

My sweet Sean i will never forget everything you have taught me. I will miss you so much but i swear to be by Paige's side through all of this like i have been already. I will take your place & be her foundation when she doesn't have one. She is so lost without you but with our help we will help her find her way. She loves you so much, same as i, & brynlie. I love you so much i am blessed to have known you as long as i have. You have the most infectious attitude that will live on even now that you have passed. Prepare our way up there & have fun reaching even those unimaginable dreams you have because now nothing can hold you back. Your life has no limits in heaven where you are now watching over your loved ones. I cannot wait to be greeted with those big brown eyes & that sweet smile when i pass on. You have truly changed my life for the better. In honor of you i promise to try & be more like you. Having a more positive outlook on life & just love everyone, literally everyone like you did. I love you so much, forever & always you will never leave my heart you are an inspiration to so many & mostly to me. Memories forever, never forgotten best friends to the end. Love you Sean Michael Halladay:]

We put a smile on our faces because despite all "it was a beautiful day."

Bryn's flowers to Sean.

When I Get Where I'm Going

When I get where I'm going,
On the far side of the sky,
The first thing I'm gonna do
Is spread my wing and fly.



 Im gonna land beside a lion,
And run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what its like,
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
Don't cry for me down here

 I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy.

Then I'll hug his neck.



Brynlie without being told wore this
watch that Sean had given her.
She will forever love, & miss

her daddy.

her daddy.



Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,

Don't cry for me down here

So much pain and so much darkness,
In this world we stumble through.
All these questions I can't answer,
And so much work to do

But when I get where I'm goin,
And I see my maker's face,
I'll stand forever in the light,
Of his amazing Grace.

Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.

I will love and have no fear.

When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going

Every minute sence he left,
And I'll tell him how I missed him
And he'll match me step for step. 

 

A Letter From Heaven

To my dearest family, some things Id like to say.
But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven.
Here I dwell with God above.
Here, theres no more tears of sadness;
Here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because

I'm out of sight.Remember that I am with

 you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life

on earth was through.God picked me up

and hugged me and He said, I welcome you.
Its good to have you back again, you were

missed while you were gone.As for your

dearest family, They'll be here later on. 

I need you here so badly, you are part of my

plan.There is so much that we can do, to help

our mortal man.God gave me a list of things,

that he wished for me to do.And foremost on

the list, was to watch and care for you.And

whenyou lie in bed at night the days chores

put to flight.God and I are closest to you....

in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all

those loving years. Because you are only
human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the
pain.Remember there would be no flowers,
unless there was some rain. I wish that I could
tell you all that God has planned. If I were to
tell you, you wouldn't understand.

But one thing is for certain, though my life on

earth is over.I'm closer to you now, than I ever

was before.There are rocky roads ahead of you

and many hills to climb; But together we can do

it by taking one day at a time.It was always my

philosophy and Id like it for you too;That as you

give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who is in sorrow
and pain; Then you can say to God at night
....My day was not in vain. And now I am
contented... that my life was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way I made

somebody smile. So if you meet somebody
who is sad  and feeling low; Just lend a hand
to pick them up, as on your way you go.

When you're walking down the street and
you've got me on your mind; I'm walking in
your footsteps only half a step behind. And
when its time for you to go...from that body
to be free. Remember you're not going...

you're coming here to me.

 

                          

We all love & miss you so much Sean.

Families are forever. He will always be in your heart &
he is up in heaven watching over you all.
Scott, Heather, Britni, Sadie, David, & Paige i love
you all more than you will ever know & so does Sean

"Be Fearless If you make only one resolution this year, let it be to live boldly.

You control this moment: Rather than cautiously test the water, dive straight into

life with freeing abandon. Imagine the person you want to be and the life you want

to live, then simply commit to them. Believe in yourself. Embrace your beauty.

Discover a new passion. And whatever you do, wherever you go,

don't be afraid to make a splash."
♥ Sean Michael Halladay ♥

 



My 9/11 Story.

September 11th, 2001 is a bitter day for most, but for me there is a little tenderness to it. I remember the day it happened, i was in fifth grade. We were in our class & my teacher let us out for morning recess & when we came back she was watching the TV, crying. I remember her having us write in our journal about what it meant to us. She tried to explain the best she could about the devastating events of what just happened. We were young & we knew something was wrong but she tried to explain it in a calm, non scary way. Half way through the day my mom checked me & my two brothers out of school. I never really understood why she had wanted to be with her kids that day until a couple of years ago.

My dad worked for a company called Achieve Global up in draper. He had worked there for about 9 years at the time. Being so young i never really understood what his job was but i knew they had moved us to Tennessee & back & that they had the best Halloween parties ever!! My dad had a big office to himself & being so young i thought that was so cool. He traveled a lot for his job & that was exciting because he always brought us a present from where he had traveled to. On the really cool trips that he would go on my mom would tag along & have a mini vacation with my dad after all his meetings were done.

My dad was in charge of a conference in New York City. It was a really big deal for my dad to be spear heading this conference. My mom of course wanted to go!! Who says no to a free trip to New York!! At the time she was pregnant with my younger brother Austin. All the plans were made from the flights, to the hotel bookings, the meetings, a few activities, & the dinners. But then a week before my mom was admitted into the hospital because she was bleeding. She begged the doctor to let her go to New York with my dad but the doctor said it was too much of a risk. She told me today she remembers being so bummed that she couldn't go but my dad was still planning on it. He didn't want to let them all down I'm sure. But he just didn't feel right about it. So after a lot of prayers & a hard decision made my dad had to tell his boss he had to cancel due to his wife's condition. Because my dad was in charge of it they bagged the whole trip. My little brother Austin was born a few days later on September 9th. They changed the conference to their offices in Draper & some of the people in Florida flew in & some just had a conference call with everyone. Now why does this even matter? I will tell you.

On the itinerary for this business trip they were scheduled to have a meeting, a morning tour, & then a lunch. Where at you might ask?? On September 11, 2001 they were supposed to be at the world trade centers at 8:00 a.m for a tour & then they would have a meeting over lunch in a top room in the tower. The people from Florida started calling in when they heard about the World Trade Centers saying "Can you imagine what this would have done. We would have all died." Knowing they were all so close to death shocked everyone to the core.

Now this didn't really hit me for quite a few years because again i was in fifth grade. My parents weren't going to scare us with that news. But last year my mom, dad, & Austin were driving in the car when he asked what happened to the twin towers. My mom explained terrorism to him & then asked him if he knew that they were supposed to be touring one of the towers for a business trip that day. She told him that a week before she was hospitalized so they canceled the trip & he was born on the ninth. Austin went quite for about a minute or so & then said "so i was i gift? I saved your life." My mom replies "yes you are my hero, you saved my life." Today is so bitter sweet to me because even though it was filled with absolute terror I see God's hand in saving my family. Something I will never be able to explain why it happened. I just know I am very blessed. 

My mom could have been fine & her along with my dad could have left on the trip & been in that tower when it went down & i could have lost both my parents & my unborn brother.

They could have went on the trip & my mom go into labor a few days into the trip & had Austin in a New York hospital. Then most likely my dad still would have went that to the Trade Center that day & we could have lost him.

Realizing this every year, being reminded of it brings me to tears. But it also makes me ask why us?

Why was my family & those my dad worked with spared from this devastating heart break. They didn't have to cancel the whole trip just because my dad couldn't go but they did. My heart deeply, & truly goes out to those who lost a loved on that day. I didn't realize it then, but i was so close to being one of them. I would have grown up with out my loving parents & never met my little brother. I would have missed out on so many things. I would have never gotten to dance with my dad at my wedding, or go pick out my first bra with my mom, or my wedding dress. All these little things that i know i take for granted everyday i could have been without. I know a lot of people have a hard time seeing God in this day but i do. My family was blessed probably with more than we deserve. Today i am grateful for my loving family i have been blessed with, the love that i have for them is endless. I am grateful for this wonderful country who rose up from the ashes of that day. This is a day that i will never forget. In honor of those who we lost God bless you & your families. You will never be forgotten.

I hear people saying we don't need this war
But, I say there's some things worth fighting for
What about our freedom and this piece of ground
We didn't get to keep 'em by backing down
They say we don't realize the mess we're getting in
Before you start your preaching let me ask you this my friend

Have you forgotten how it felt that day?
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away
Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside going thru a living hell
And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

They took all the footage off my T.V.
Said it's too disturbing for you and me
It'll just breed anger that's what the experts say
If it was up to me I'd show it everyday
Some say this country's just out looking for a fight
Well, after 9/11 man I'd have to say that's right

Have you forgotten how it felt that day?
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away
Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside going thru a living hell
And we vowed to get the one’s behind bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

I've been there with the soldiers
Who've gone away to war
And you can bet that they remember
Just what they're fighting for
Have you forgotten all the people killed?
Yeah, some went down like heroes in that Pennsylvania field Have you forgotten about our Pentagon?
All the loved ones that we lost and those left to carry on
Don't you tell me not to worry about bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

Have you forgotten?
Have you forgotten?

I will never forget.

Come what may & love it.

This is so applicable in my life right now. Life is so easy to love & be happy when it's going the way you want it to but when you feel like your life is off track it actually may have been off track before & now God is helping you get back on the track he has laid out for you. Going with God's plan will only bring you endless blessings you never saw coming but it's hard to know what God's plan is for you. But whatever it is you need to be positive!! For instance last week I got a flat tire & as a matter of fact I wasn't even mad!! Me & McKell were on our way to a concert & BAM flat tire on the freeway in Draper. Only 19 minutes away from our destination. We pulled of the road & were a little stunned. Who should we call?? My brother, then my dad & her mom & we found out that highway patrol would come help us so we called it in & waited. The whole time we were laughing hysterically nothing was going to get us down!! I turned to her & said "enjoy the journey!!" It made our night even more memorable & it was a funny addition to our night! Not saying this is how I treat every obstacle in my life but ideally this is how I should look at everything!! It's easier to say than actually do but it's something I'm trying to do. We all just need to learn to enjoy the journey, don't stress about the little things, live life to the fullest, & at least try love everything that comes our way:)

A word to the wise.

I found this picture the other day & I think it's the complete truth to a happy life & especially a happy marriage:) I had so many people tell me that i shouldn't get married, that I'm too young & I need to wait & live my life. But really I am the happiest I have ever been:) [Those who told me that have clearly never been married to chance hahaha] Being married has taught me so much about myself & about my husband. I am excited about our incredible life together!! Even though we have only been married for a month it has been the best month of my life:) I'm sure if i didn't have Chance I wouldn't have been ready for marriage but marrying my best friend....was the greatest decision I ever made:)

two girls, a butt, & a dream come true.

 My second mother Sue is a big wig at the hospital where she has worked very hard to get where she is today. Well she along with many others are in charge of a concert they put on every year that is completely free to kick off payson onion days. She is mostly in charge of finding out who they should bring to the concert. Last year they brought Billy Dean who was amazing, but i don't think anyone will top this year with Mark Wills I had only seen him one other time at the Salt Lake State Fair but i fell in love. My mom had to be up really early the next morning so we left while everyone stayed after & got to meet him!! I felt cheated!!! So when Sue told me he was coming i was so excited because we were going to be selling his merchandise which meant i would hopefully get to meet him:]

& i did. Plus much more than i ever expected.:]

Me & Mckell think he is so hot. We have this thing going that last year we touched Billy Dean's butt so now it had turned into a tradition to try & get a butt grab or graze from these famous country stars. So we are taking a picture & Mckell says to me "I'm trying to touch the booty" I sadly replied "i can't reach." 

Complete Devistation.  But hey at least i met him & got a picture with him. He laughed & we explained that it was tradition because we did it to Billy Dean.

So we were just sitting there just chatting. Mark Wills is such a chatter box. Seriously talked to us for 20 minutes like we were old friends. So I'm jealous that i didn't even stand by him in the picture so i asked Sue if we could get one with just me & mckell & she goes of course go ask him!!

So we go up to take a picture with him & he grabs both of our hands & places them on his butt & says "Go ahead girls grab it, there's enough of it"

 

So we are laughing hysterically & we make him turn around to take a picture so we could document this momentous thing that just happened. Literally made our whole life. Then he signs our badges & then finally decides it's time to back to the hotel & eat some dinner.

The End. Just kidding it doesn't end there. So then we tell him goodbye after inviting us to go see him again at the Westerner next month (which we will be there front & center) as soon as that car door shut the screams came out. I'm pretty sure i did a heel click also. We were so excited. It was probably all we talked about for the next week. So then i being the superfan that i have now become decided to follow him on twitter & why not i sent him a tweet & this was the result of it. :]

Do you see why i love him so freaking much:] So i am in the works of trying to convince my dad to let me book him for the Mapleton Day Celebration. I will do everything in my power to make it happen. So i can have another picture just like this one:]

So as you can tell this was a very big deal to Mckell & I & i can guarantee we won't forget it. So brush up on your Mark Wills because july 24th 2013 i will hopefully be performing in Mapleton:]

Below is one of my favorite songs of his. He talks about how "American" needs to deal with their own problems & stop trying to solve the worlds problems before we have ours under control. He is very prideful in his country & this song certainly shows it!! Looking for American:]

Practice safe friends

I know I have blogged about friendship before but this one is not so the i love my friends blah blah blah blog.

Actually my friends suck. Not all of them just a few.

But the ones that suck really do indeed suck. I do have some amazing friends but I have already figured out how fake some of them are since I've been married which has only been twenty three day but man are they dropping like flies.

A real friend is someone who is there for you no matter what. They are there for the worst times of your life & they are there for the best times in your life. They don't judge you & they are always by your side. They don't just change over night. Or maybe you think they change over night but really they just slip up & show you who they really are.

I don't think I expect much as a friend either is the thing. I mean is it really that hard?? Especially after all I have done for these certain people. Maybe i'm in the wrong. It's my fault for always being so loving & helpful when I should have just been fake like everyone else. But why wait till I'm married to show your true colors to me?? Couldn't you have saved me all the time & effort of me being a good friend when you were obviously done being one to me when obviously all along you didn't care.

Okay okay that is my pitty me venting for the day just had to get it off my chest.

But here is the upside I do have some amazing friends that have been there for me through good times & the bad times. Till death to us part. Nah there's no way that even death will break us up:) Glad I am really finding who my real friends are.


Don't be fake. People don't like fake people. Unless you are fake. Do other fake people like other fake people???? Hmmmm

Hahahahaha well that is all.